How to Protect Your Relationship from Online Infidelity

In the previous blog, some of the reasons why online infidelity is so common were outlined: unlimited opportunities for connection, the appeal of online communication, and the ease of anonymity. Now that the “why” is recognized, the question that must be asked is what can you do to prevent your relationship from falling victim to online infidelity? The truth is that it depends.

As touched upon in the first blog on online infidelity, there is no clear definition or boundaries when it comes to online behaviors. How will you and your parter be able to prevent these behaviors if you don’t even know what is acceptable? Although it may sound vague, when it comes down to it, what really matters is you and your partner. Each of you will have differing opinions and feelings when it comes to internet and social media practices, and they are all valid.

Below are four steps you and your partner can take to help define what online infidelity means to your relationship and how to prevent your relationship from being affected by it.  

SET RULES AND BOUNDARIES

It is up to you and your partner to determine what boundaries should be in place for using the internet as a social mechanism, just as you would set boundaries around your behaviors with others in-person. What is acceptable and unacceptable social media and internet usage? You may initially have disagreements about acceptable usage and rules you want in place. Discuss where each boundary is coming from and if it is in line with your values as a couple. Knowing how each boundary relates to a shared value may help you understand and accept why that boundary should be in place. Be open with your partner about your emotions if this boundary were to be crossed. Also allow discussion about access to phones and internet accounts to help keep each of you accountable.

DISCUSS INTENTION AND MOTIVATION BEHIND ONLINE BEHAVIORS

Have a conversation with your partner about the purpose of the internet in your lives and how you both use social media, websites, forums, and text messaging. After understanding the role the online world plays for each of you, have a discussion about why each of you behaves as you do on the internet. What was the intention behind sending that message or liking that picture? What is the motivation behind not letting your partner read your texts? Without being accusatory, this may be a good time to bring up some of the online behaviors your partner engages in that make you uncomfortable. You may find that you or your partner’s intentions may be in seeking something that is not being received from the relationship; in this case, you now know what areas in your relationship need to be strengthened. On the other hand, your worries may be eased by each of your answers, and your relationship reinforced.

DON’T COMPARE PARTNER

It’s important not to compare your partner to other people you see on the internet, or your relationship to other couples you see on the internet. Remember that what people show on the internet is usually the best versions of themselves and does not display the hardships they experience as individuals or as a couple. It is also essential not to compare the content of the conversations you and your partner have had, as well as the rules and boundaries you set, with those of other couples you observe. You might feel jealousy or regret after hearing that your friend’s relationship has looser rules around online infidelity. Each relationship is unique, and keep in mind that what might be best for one couple may not be best for another.

DETERMINE TRUST LEVEL

After having a discussion about setting rules and boundaries, motivation and intention, and reminding yourself not to compare your partner or relationship to anyone else’s, check the level of confidence you have in both yourself and in our partner in following the rules and boundaries. If, after those initial three steps, you still feel like you cannot trust your partner, or even yourself, there may be a bigger concern present in your relationship for which you may need to seek further help.

The internet is always evolving, and will continue to grow and surprise us with the different ways in which we can connect with others in our community and around the world. What needs to stay constant are the values and expectations you and your partner share regarding the internet. It may take time to work through the steps listed above, but with time and honest conversation with your partner, the frustration and confusion you feel about online infidelity will become clearer, and will hopefully lead you to a more assured relationship with your partner. 

Why Online Infidelity is So Common

Online infidelity, online affairs, cyber infidelity, cyber-affairs, internet affairs, even social media cheating. These are some of the many terms given to the act of being unfaithful to your partner by engaging in either emotional or sexual involvement with someone over social media sites, the internet, or the phone. 

There has been a healthy debate in the past few years as to how to define “online infidelity” and its trademark behaviors. How similar is it to meeting in person? Is watching pornography included in this definition? What’s the harm in sending a text to someone with an emoji?

It has been suggested that some of these online behaviors are micro-cheating rather than an actual infidelity. But, what many people may find to be completely normal online etiquette and behaviors may be crossing the line for others. Perhaps, the blurred lines and unset rules around online behavior may explain why online infidelity is so widespread. The reasons are more complex.

An understanding of the appeal of online infidelity is needed before trying to figure out how you can prevent this from occurring in your relationship. Let’s explore why online infidelity has been such a relevant and debated topic over the past few years, and why it has become such a pressing issue for couples. 

UNLIMITED OPTIONS AND FALSE HOPE

The internet and its reach has grown exponentially in the past 20 years, and with it, various websites, apps, forums, and the like that allow people to connect in a way that was previously impossible. The ever-changing nature of this technology has created a culture of unlimited options at our fingertips- quite literally. A potential partner, friend, or confidant is just a click or message away, and there are an infinite number of means to find them on the internet. Human connection has become a chase in which we tell ourselves we can “always do better”. This is the great paradox- despite having a partner that we chose in real life, we think we can find someone suited better to us based off the little information others selectively give to us over the internet. In reality, this connection is superficial. These “options” for connection may not even be people you will ever communicate or meet with, but might offer you the false sense of hope that you can find someone better than your current partner, that your current partner isn’t good enough, or that there’s something missing between yourself and your current partner.

FALLING DOWN A SLIPPERY SLOPE 

The experience of being one “click” or “message” away provides potential for people to fall down a slippery slope; what might seem like harmless communications or behaviors with others online may quickly, and without one noticing, become something more. There is such a comfort of sharing personal information online or over text because there are no immediate repercussions, no face to match to a name. This makes it hard to determine what is “right” and “wrong” when it comes to possible online infidelity. The lines are blurred. At what point does the communication become an emotional connection?

EASY TO BE SECRETIVE

Lastly, using the internet or social media to connect can be so alluring because it is easy to keep others from discovering your online behaviors. Covering up becomes as easy as changing a password, deleting your history, or erasing a message thread. Not to mention the thousands upon thousands of different websites, forums, and apps that allow you to create personas and accounts with unidentifiable information. It’s impossible for your partner to find each and every platform you use, and every account you keep.

For better or for worse, unlimited opportunities for connection, the appeal of online communication, and the ease of anonymity makes it much easier for anyone to create an emotional, and sometimes sexual, connection with another over the internet. This is especially true for millennials and other young adults in a romantic relationship who have known and grown with the internet and social media for most, if not all, of their lives. A continuation of this topic will be made available soon, in which strategies to help protect your relationship from online infidelity are discussed.